[ there is a strange doubling in her response. a yes but no. her impulse is to shrink from the expression of weakness, but — she can remember seeing it. parents holding their children. friends holding each other while drinking, laughing around a fire.
the kuruko do hugs.
it is mavis who never did.
this feels worse, somehow. she looks back at him, then slowly nods her head. she has the sense that if she said anything, she would regret it. but she shuffles her feet to turn more fully towards him, opening herself up to it. ]
[She doesn't need to give more answer than that. He draws her in, wraps his arms around her shoulders, careful in case she's still hurting. He wouldn't consider himself any kind of expert in this. He's a creature of sharp edges and points, developed over years of never having any comfort himself. But he's had others seek it from him, in the Nest. He's learnt that sometimes being there, holding someone, that's all you can do. And who really needs practice in that?]
[ she buries her chin against his shoulder. clings to the back of his shirt with a surprising grip, but stays otherwise steady. it does help. someone else, warm and firm against her. something solid to help her get her footing. ]
I am sorry. [ she says it again. he wouldn't have been the first to disbelieve her, so she feels like it is worth repeating. ] I didn't expect to scare so many.
[ she did not realize she was something to lose to anyone but herself. ]
Takes a while to realise people give a crap, right?
[Half a smile in it, but it's softer than his usual. The sentiment reminds him of Ilde, the maelstrom of her grief and the truth she'd flung at him after so many had already tried to quiet her: that it hadn't been them caring about her or what she was feeling. Really, they'd just wanted her to stop.
His arms tighten a little around Mavis, cheek turning into her hair.]
I shouldn't have-- [He stops. Reshuffles his words.] There's people, where I'm from, that do that kind of thing. Fighting like that. [A beat.] Let's just say I didn't have a great experience with them.
[ that's part of being a member of a warrior clan, accepting that other clans will have a kind of hatred for the people you've killed or drawn into debt slavery. she didn't always get it when she walked among the kuruko, but she had learned a little about it since she had lived at their edges, toeing the borders to keep the terms of her exile.
it's forgiveness, of a kind. not that he'd really asked for it, in explaining himself, but freely given. they can understand one another a little better for this.
she draws a deeper breath and pulls out of the hug. she considers him, then admits, ] This room is better. Quieter.
[ a new, less fraught subject.
both his mind and aristaeus' are a bit of a reprieve for her. and she knows that while murphy feels similarly to felipe about wanting to keep her out, murphy can hold that boundary on his own without retaliating against her for what she can't help. ]
[ she looks to aristaeus's prone form, considers this. the thing is that sex isn't kept being closed doors amongst the kuruko because there are no closed doors. there are tents, yes, temporary shelters with some privacy for sleeping, but the kuruko are open about this business. plenty of challenges ended in sex, as did other celebrations. mavis had seen plenty of it before she had been exiled. ]
Yes, probably.
[ it's honest, at least. so honest that it completely cuts through the joking delivery, as if she had never noticed it.
but it's a little hesitant, too.
because she has only just now started to consider how all of that context might apply to herself, and how it might mean other people seeing her get subdued and overpowered, as she had been at the castle, and in the void. it pricks at her pride. ]
I'd be having a pretty crap time in this town if it did.
[Public sex seemed to be quite a few people's preferred kink, and then there were the festivals and everything else in between. Besides, there'd never been that much privacy on the Ark, and the Dropship camp had had even less. He shrugs.]
Just give me a head's up and I'll find somewhere else to be.
[ it sounds a little contradictory, to her — it doesn't bother him, but he will clear out when it's going on. that warrants clarification, right? ]
You don't have to.
[ this is clumsily extended. she doesn't want him to feel like he has to find somewhere else to be just because they're busy. she knows what it's like to be made unwelcome. that's not what this is. ]
[ she narrows her gaze a little, trying to figure out how 'needing time together' was something that couldn't be done in the company of others. ultimately, though, she takes the offering for what it is. respect, as he says. ]
Thank you. [ even if this is put very awkwardly, like she's not entirely sure what she's thanking him for. ] I will make sure we don't wake you.
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[He's standing now, hovering awkwardly slightly behind her. Change sucks. He knows. Especially when the thing that's really changing is yourself.]
Do the Kuruko do, uh, hugs?
[She seems like she needs one.]
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the kuruko do hugs.
it is mavis who never did.
this feels worse, somehow. she looks back at him, then slowly nods her head. she has the sense that if she said anything, she would regret it. but she shuffles her feet to turn more fully towards him, opening herself up to it. ]
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I am sorry. [ she says it again. he wouldn't have been the first to disbelieve her, so she feels like it is worth repeating. ] I didn't expect to scare so many.
[ she did not realize she was something to lose to anyone but herself. ]
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[Half a smile in it, but it's softer than his usual. The sentiment reminds him of Ilde, the maelstrom of her grief and the truth she'd flung at him after so many had already tried to quiet her: that it hadn't been them caring about her or what she was feeling. Really, they'd just wanted her to stop.
His arms tighten a little around Mavis, cheek turning into her hair.]
I shouldn't have-- [He stops. Reshuffles his words.] There's people, where I'm from, that do that kind of thing. Fighting like that. [A beat.] Let's just say I didn't have a great experience with them.
[But he shouldn't have put that on her.]
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[ that's part of being a member of a warrior clan, accepting that other clans will have a kind of hatred for the people you've killed or drawn into debt slavery. she didn't always get it when she walked among the kuruko, but she had learned a little about it since she had lived at their edges, toeing the borders to keep the terms of her exile.
it's forgiveness, of a kind. not that he'd really asked for it, in explaining himself, but freely given. they can understand one another a little better for this.
she draws a deeper breath and pulls out of the hug. she considers him, then admits, ] This room is better. Quieter.
[ a new, less fraught subject.
both his mind and aristaeus' are a bit of a reprieve for her. and she knows that while murphy feels similarly to felipe about wanting to keep her out, murphy can hold that boundary on his own without retaliating against her for what she can't help. ]
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Yeah, I'm sure you two will change that. [He gestures at Aristaeus.] Once he's conscious again, I mean.
[Yes he is really following a heart-to-heart and hug with sex jokes.]
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Yes, probably.
[ it's honest, at least. so honest that it completely cuts through the joking delivery, as if she had never noticed it.
but it's a little hesitant, too.
because she has only just now started to consider how all of that context might apply to herself, and how it might mean other people seeing her get subdued and overpowered, as she had been at the castle, and in the void. it pricks at her pride. ]
Does that bother you?
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[Public sex seemed to be quite a few people's preferred kink, and then there were the festivals and everything else in between. Besides, there'd never been that much privacy on the Ark, and the Dropship camp had had even less. He shrugs.]
Just give me a head's up and I'll find somewhere else to be.
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You don't have to.
[ this is clumsily extended. she doesn't want him to feel like he has to find somewhere else to be just because they're busy. she knows what it's like to be made unwelcome. that's not what this is. ]
Unless we are bothering you.
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That isn't really how things work, where I'm from.
[Unless you were absolutely stuck in close quarters, you gave a couple space. He isn't stuck, has plenty of other places he can go.]
It's more about... respect, I guess. I respect you two needing time together, and you respect my occasional need to sleep.
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Thank you. [ even if this is put very awkwardly, like she's not entirely sure what she's thanking him for. ] I will make sure we don't wake you.