wrackful | saltburnt inbox

Really? I guess that makes sense. I hadn't done anything with anyone before arriving here. And then I did a LOT of things really fast. The picture was for myself. "Me". It's next to "Murphy" in my phone. I wanted to see if it looked dumb before I sent it anywhere.

Yeah, it was the same for me. I mean, there was a lot I wanted to do, but there was also the whole don't turn into a monster thing, so. Fast was kind of necessary.

[Koby taking pics but not knowing what photo roll is? Doubt.]

You don't have to tell me who it was for. It's okay.

The more I hear about that place, the worse it sounds. Here, I only need to worry about turning into a seal. I'm telling you the truth. I format messages and send them to myself to read off. If I'm not sending them to Ani or Tim or Nami. If I was sending it to a real person I wanted to do that to, it might be less embarrassing.

I was a ghost for a while. After I died. Hoping not to repeat that, honestly.

But you've got to want to do whatever to someone, right? You wouldn't have thought about it that much otherwise.

I'd rather you avoid dying too, yes, please. Oh yes. Very much so. I'm not sure if he'd be interested, is the thing. Some men aren't.

I'm usually pretty good at it. Just wasn't really, you know. Sane. At the time.

So the pic's like what, a temperature check? You should probably just ask him, man.

Good at dying?

[he thinks about danny. he thinks about himself.]

Should I? Just come right out and say it? "Hey, Murphy, have you ever considered being pegged by me"? Like that?

[One sentence on his phone screen and heat rushes through him like a tidal wave, sudden and unexpected, knocking any other thoughts out of his head. He's dumb with it, for a long moment, staring at the words, considering where he definitely hadn't considered before.

But he hadn't considered because Koby isn't for consideration. Idle imaginings, ideas, maybe a dream or two, sure, but that was all easily tucked away in the box labelled not yours to think about. Not held central in his mind, turned over and over, image filled out, considered.

Like a mental bucket of ice water over the head, he reminds himself he shouldn't be doing that now, either. Koby isn't really talking about him. He's just the guy next to "Me" in Koby's contacts.]

I'd probably go more for "Hey, Koby, have you tried pegging? It's pretty great. No pressure if you don't like the idea, but, want to try it with me?"

But your way will totally work. I mean, you'd know the person you're going to be saying it to better than me, but if you were saying that to me, it'd work.

And I meant surviving. I'm pretty good at surviving, when I'm not losing my mind.

[somewhere on the mental horizon koby's gazing out at, there's a flicker. he wants to press closer, wants to reach his bright, warm, curious unseen hands out and feel what murphy's thinking, feeling, wanting. he wants and he wants and he holds back, because -- what if? what if it's too much, too far, scrawny doe-eyed loud boy asking for too much, like he always does?

but written out like that, the words make his stomach flip-flop, his chest give a sweet, nervous little twist that hitches his breath and makes him pause for a moment.]

I have tried it. I'm pretty good at it, actually. But yes, I would. I'd very much want to try it with you. Did it work? Because you're still talking about death. No pressure if that's what you want to talk about, but it's not very mood-setting. For some. It's okay if it is, for you. Everyone likes different things.

[The words don't make sense. He has to read it again. Then another time. Then--]

Was this all a set up?

"Set up" makes it sound like I'm trying to trick you. In a bad way. So...no?

So you accidentally sent me a test photo, that you meant to send yourself, and that just happened to turn into this chat with you wanting to try pegging me.

When you say it that way, it sounds improbable. Maybe I was thinking about it anyway, and I happened to text you. Maybe that was part of why I tried all this on, to think about it. Is that so hard to believe?

Yeah, Koby. You never said anything. We haven't done anything. And you've got people. Better people. Why the hell would you be thinking about me?

Because I like you. And I haven't said anything yet because there's been a lot going on. I sort of didn't think about that kind of thing for a few months. But now I am. And I like you.

[He feels stupid. For suspecting Koby, Koby who he can't imagine trying to trick someone like that in a million years. For still doubting Koby, wanting to tell him no, you don't, you don't even know me. For twisting himself around, deleting the picture, the whole conversation.

For doing all of that, and still getting stuck on three little words like a kid.]

Okay. Sorry.

[He can practically hear Danny saying something about his paranoia, again.]

Just kind of blind sided me. Need to get my head around it.

[ah. murphy says it kindly, thoughtfully, but that venomous thing inside koby hisses stupid, stupid and he sits up, shoulders scrunching against what comes next, the familiar wave of self-loathing, of hatred for every scrawny, delusional, ridiculous inch of himself. what were you thinking, it growls, it snarls, even as he's typing:]

Of course, that makes perfect sense.

[he doesn't want you.]

Take as much time as you need, absolutely.

[why would you think that he did?]

saltburnt inbox | @murphy

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject